Over the years I have crossed paths with some dubious characters.
I’ve worked in psychic fairs whereby other readers undercut each other, watched open mouthed as clients in my queue were approached for business, seen stand offs with other readers and all manner of unprofessional behaviour.
I’ve been in the presence of famous mediums and seen characters been defamed with all manner of accusations & gossip.
I withdrew quickly from the circuit of spiritualistic churches and circles as I witnessed first hand how bitchy and spiteful people can be to each other.
Lastly, I continuously experienced it firsthand myself. The more established & successful I became, the more the resentment grew, until my inner circle became just one person…me.
I’ve made so many mistakes.
I’ve Walked away from situations without speaking my truth, because I was too frightened to be hurt any more or couldn’t stand to hear what might be said.
The more I ignored my truth, the more the lessons came in a different shape or guise…but still the same lesson…just another teacher.
The lesson I began to learn was about boundaries.
I had placed a shame value on the word “No”. I felt if I didn’t say yes to everything that made me a bad person or very unspiritual.
I bore witness to characters being slated and said nothing as I didn’t wish to offend anyone (not realising this made me complicit).
It also made me vulnerable and incredibly attractive to narcissistic personality types. I found myself attracting psychic vampires, constantly being the ‘perfect’ friend , dutiful daughter, cheerful colleague , nice neighbour without being able to define my own personal space and hold on to my own opinions.
I was a sponge…attracting one sided friendships, taking on unwelcome demands on my time, pockets & heart..not to mention my sanity! As I began to grow and learn, I heard a useful expression:
Your yes has no value if you can’t say no!
I began to realise that every single relationship in my life at that point had turned toxic. I was toxic.
I had become bitter and resentful, as I had consistently failed to honour my time & energy , so I ended up completely spent & drained.
I blamed everyone else for my pain, missed opportunities , failed friendships and relationships.
Most importantly, I had failed myself. I had ignored my gut instincts, boldly marched through red flags and was completely emotionally dyslexic to the writing on the wall!
I was an active participant in my own downfall. I cared so much what people thought of me that I was emotionally spent. I got sick…
I watched my health slip through my hands and a misdiagnosis saw it slip further away. My lungs became as heavy as rocks and I was out of breath by the time I got to the top of my stairs. At one point I was on 3 inhalers and I dreaded the night as sleep was out of the question.
I understand why folk think they are cursed when everything in life goes against you , because it really feels like that at the time.
I had no other choice but to take it slow. I stopped working evenings, I stopped a lot of travel , I stopped talking people’s word as their bond and I started to work on myself.
A funny thing happened.
People started to travel to me, online readings took off,
Facebook lives replaced the radio.
Deposits deterred flaky clients.
One sided friendships dissolved.
I started to get better.
As I started to get better, I started to take responsibility for my actions. I’ve caused pain.
I contacted those that I wished to have in my life and had some of the most difficult conversations I’ve ever had. I learnt so much about myself.
Those who were meant to stay…stayed, those that were not..quickly left my life.
You see here’s the thing. When you get honest with yourself, you get real honest with those around you. I don’t mean a tactless, crude “I’ll tell it like it is”, approach. I simply don’t have time for bullshit, don’t slate someone in my presence if you’re not prepared for me to say it to the person, or whine about how unfair life is without getting up off your arse to try. Don’t smile to my face while bitching behind my back, because guess what…I know!
The more sensitive I became to my own needs, the more nourishment I gave my body & soul, the more comfortable I got in listening to my bodies red flags, when someone was lying, I trusted my intuition..and guess what? I was right!
When someone attempted to give me ‘helpful advice’..I’d spot their agenda a mile off and thanked them but didn’t take any of it on board.
The more I trusted myself , the happier I became.
I swatted opinions away like a pesky fly, whereas before I would’ve analyzed it forensically.
I still have bad days.
There’s still the odd day where I say yes instead of no, but I’m gentle on myself when I slip…I make a mental note and move on or I address an issue at a later time. I’m far less quick to anger..I’ve even been known to say “I’m angry at this moment just give me space to process!!!” Which for this taurean Bull is massive! It takes a lot to make me angry but when I charge I’m looking for blood…so that’s incredibly significant!
I’m beginning to have less regrets as I get older. I wouldn’t trade my boundaries for all the tea in China!
As I Drew that line in the sand, I never realised I would find myself at the end of it..
©️Fiona Ní Mhuirri