It’s a simple two letter word.
Yet, it is for so many people the most difficult word for them to say.
Clients of mine will put themselves under extreme stress simply not to utter this little word.
We pride ourselves on being a good person, yet sadly there can be conditional undertones on the value placed on us (and make no mistake by us) on the roles we play within our families, communities & wider relationships.
They say wisdom is wasted on the young, for as we age we begin to shed such conditioning. We consciously begin the process of shedding the husk of illusion of who we are supposed to be in the eyes of those around us. We start to care more of how we view ourselves.
Our energy reserves, that were consistently bled out for the good of others , have entered a reservoir of self awareness.
Once we make the transition from external awareness to internal awareness EVERYTHING CHANGES! Every single relationship in your life will become transformed. It’s a messy, painful process. For some it can take years, for others it can take a epitomizing moment….
No one can walk in your shoes.
No one knows what you have truly lived through and the decisions that have brought you to this moment. Other people may advise you.
Indeed, you must decide for yourself whether that advice is good for you & lathered with good intentions or soaked in agenda.
We fear the worse in saying No.
We think we will be seen as selfish, guilty, deceitful, obnoxious, spoilt, bratty, nasty, disingenuous, false, as having notions and looking down our noses or simply not caring.
Nothing could be further from the truth. For the selfish couldn’t care less what people think, and happily move on to drain the next person’s kindness & time, without a single thought for their welfare or addressing any sort of karmic balance. For those of us that care, addressing our own needs brings with it a lifetime of times we pushed them aside and isn’t it simply easier to say yes…?
Each to their own, but if your yes comes with a heavy heart…you are already paying a high price.
There are times in life, where sacrifice is called for. It’s a natural part of life & every relationship.
Yet if you’re in a relationship with an alcoholic you know the price wanting a quiet life commands of you. Having to turn a blind eye to your partners addiction and having to hide/ cover up transgressions from loved ones.
If you’re in a relationship with a partner who abuses you. There is a complicated dance you must perform to loved ones & colleagues, who can see you becoming more withdrawn.
If your family are putting pressure on you to behave a certain way or you’ve fallen into the go-to zone , you will have a sense of not being able to break the mold and let someone else step up for a change.
All of the above are emotional and sometimes financial straight jackets. You don’t simply find yourself in this situation overnight, it can take years of being slowly worn down. It can also destroy hope. The hope of ever being able to freely love and say no… For indeed love is about truth.
It’s not all flowers & roses or Brady bunch model family values.
It’s about telling someone you love they are being an asshole. It’s about sitting down with a family member and talking about their addiction. In some cases it may be showing that family member the door. “A mother would never turn her back on her son”.
Actually , the single greatest act of love would be this wake up call. As an addict / abuser will try every emotional blackmail in their arsenal to guilt trip their family into giving them another chance, they will sink as low to use your perceived status in your community as a threat. “If only they knew”.
You can stay trapped inside a toxic dynamic out of fear of what others may think of you. It is only when you shift from the external validation into the inner can you truly bring about massive change in your life. Here’s two facts:
- You are a good person.
- Everyone is going through some form of a struggle in their lives they just don’t show it.
Certain People will think bad of you when you say No. You have to ask yourself do you truly value their opinion of you or do you value your self worth and sanity more? Please choose you..
I’m rooting for you to choose you..
©️Fiona Ní Mhuirri